Unlikely

Doubt - to feel unconvinced or uncertain about something, or think that something is unlikely. Our God is so unlikely. I am completely unconvinced of what I’m being told.

I doubt. I doubt that God is who He’s made out to be. I doubt the American Dream. I doubt that theology will save me. I doubt that I’m good enough. I doubt your high ideals. I doubt that I need to attend a Sunday Church service to be fine. I doubt that your answers can fulfill my questions. I doubt that you’re who you say you are. I doubt today’s definition of courage. I doubt that love should not be jealous. I doubt we can understand God. I doubt that it’s that simple. I doubt myself when I love with caution. I doubt this is the right way. I doubt that legalism leads to love. I doubt.

I have faith that mercy is enough.  I have faith that one day all this pain will be worth it. I have faith that death does not conquer.  I have faith that this is not over. I have faith even in doubt.

 Sometimes faith feels like doubt.   

An Unbelieving Christian

God is a touchy subject. It’s ranked up there with politics and mother-in-laws. No one really wants to really talk God. I’ve found that often if God is discussed it is in a cheerleader-style of expression. The nodding of heads is a common practice and sitting in the pews being told the same ancient “truths” is comfortable.  I’ve found that in my own life that that has been a destructive pattern of behavior for me. I stop thinking and I start believing. Some would applaud me and say that believing is the ultimate goal of all “Christians,” but I start believing because I’m being indoctrinated and it’s easy to think what the majority of people are thinking. So in light of this “vote-with-the-majority” weakness, I have begun to stop believing and start thinking more. A “discussion” gets boring and un-challenging when everyone is agreeing but no one is questioning. It gets un-motivating after a while.  We all stop thinking and it becomes the simple motion of putting one foot in front of the other.

Part of my Geneva College experience has taken place away from campus. My Sunday morning church services have allowed me to develop my thoughts on God and they have been challenging for me. My outside experience is a testament to the wise decision made by Geneva to encourage students to finding churches outside of the Geneva community.

After attending church for the past three weeks, I have walked away thinking about three different views of Jesus. The views are the flannel board Jesus, the vending machine Jesus, and stained glass Jesus. The question of how I personally view Jesus has plagued my mind.  

I remember the Jesus that my second grade Sunday school teacher would place on the felt board. I am disturbed to think that it is possible that I and so many others are living our lives without a deeper understanding on Jesus. He’s not a cut-out. What about believing that “Jesus is the giver of all good thing”? Does that make him a vending machine? And yes, I like stained glass windows, but they have become the epitome of church and religion for so many.

I have begun to think that Jesus doesn’t start and end inside of narrow categories. I haven’t decided how religion and God tie together, but I do know that I will be hard pressed to find a willing group to discuss views of Jesus. As a Christian, It is a scary thing to question one’s own view of Jesus and the role He plays in our lives because it shakes our “okay-ness”

I would define “okay-ness” as having no major glitches in Christians’ plans to go to heaven or their long-held view of Jesus. That’s what “okay-ness” is. I am convinced that we all want to feel okay and so we stray from really wanting to talk about God and who He is. From my own personal experience, I know that it can be an unsettling shock to realize that Jesus isn’t a part of a set of stained glass windows. Then the real mystery arises – Who is He? As long standing Christians we should know that answer because we’ve sat in the pews and been told the “truth.” But can we only answer the question by re-telling what we’ve heard, or do we speak forth the answer from our hearts?

I do not believe that my thoughts are unorthodox on the basis of Deuteronomy 4:29. God says, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart.” Jesus is promising that we will find him out when we search, question and look for him with all that is within us. God didn’t say believe all you hear from your parents and the church and you will know the truth about me; He wants us to seek.

I no longer carry around a flannel graph board when I want to connect with Jesus and I have been using my quarters at the car wash instead of saving them to get something from the vending machine Jesus. I’ve stopped believing and started to seek with all of my heart. 

 

-KB

 

 

           

 

 

The Okay

All this talk about theology. It's almost dangerous to discuss because dotrine and theoloy are so close to the hearts of us, Chrisitans. Our theology is intertwined with our view of God so tightly that questioning the standard ideas can mess with a Christian's idea of God. And we can't do that because God is our "okay-ness" and that's the cardinal rule - don't mess with peoples' "okay-ness."

 

 

 

 

You look dead....bored....and yeah, i know i do too

I'm struck by the irony...many of us, Christians, shape our lives around theology and our doctrines. We get caught up in the study of God, but forget to follow the one we study. Unfortunately the saddest aspect of our lives is that we've forgotten that there's a difference. We've stopped thinking and started studying the high ideals stated by the famous Christians throughout history. You know them well - the Martin Luthers, the Calvins....it's easier to follow the teachings and ideas of another than to discover our own. *Sarcastic smile* But....what's the point, God doesn't speak in "modern times."  Or so "they" say....We're a generation that must follow and study theology. It's easy.....one foot in front of the other.  

A Commemoration
             to skinned knees
             to burning hearts
             to God's composition

I'm falling day after day like dominos cascading
Misplaced balance imposes a collaspe of self-sufficiency

Tears rush in numbers only a Maker could count.
Caring embraces stretch wide.

I'm losing faith in my ambitious pursuit
But a frail hope persists, offering assurance.

The grey elephant sky will rise and days will shine.
Deliverance is overcoming the desperation.

The art of compostion remains unchanged.
The aftermath results in a position of surrender.

I'm on my knees